Somebody at church this morning had an e-mail that he had been sent entitled "You Know Your Church Is a Redneck Church If...."
I about died laughing when I read it.
I went looking for this on the net and found different versions. I'm going to divide this between "Redneck" and "Country" because the two are not synonymous.
You Know Your Church Is a Redneck Church If...
The finance committee refuses to provide funds for the purchase of a chandelier because none of the members knows how to play one.
When the pastor says, "I’d like to ask Bubba to help take up the offering", five guys and two women stand up.
Opening day of Deer season is recognized as an official church holiday.
A member of the church requests to be buried in his 4-wheel-drive truck because "It ain’t never been in a hole it couldn’t get out of."
The choir is known as the "OK Chorale".
In a congregation of 500 members, there are only seven last names in the church directory.
High notes on the organ set the dogs on the floor to howling.
People think rapture is what you get when you lift something too heavy.
The baptismal pool is a #2 galvanized washtub.
The choir robes were donated by (and embroidered with the logo from) Billy Bob’s Barbecue.
The collection plates are really hub caps from a ‘56 Chevy.
The minister and his wife drive matching pickup trucks.
The communion wine is Boone’s Farm Tickled Pink.
You know your church is a country church if...
The doors are never locked.
The Call to Worship is "Y'all come on in!"
People grumble about Noah letting coyotes on the Ark.
The restroom is outside.
Never in its entire 100-year history has one of its pastors had to buy any meat or vegetables.
When it rains, everybody's smiling.
Prayers regarding the weather are a standard part of every worship service.
The church directory doesn't have last names.
The pastor wears boots.
Four generations of one family sit together in worship every Sunday.
The only time people lock their cars in the parking lot is during the summer and then only so their neighbors can't leave them a bag of squash. [I love this one and it's TRUE - I have had to fend off zucchini, and my church is in the city! But I don't fend off the tomatoes!]
There is no such thing as a "secret" sin.
There is a special fund-raiser for a new septic tank.
Finding and returning lost sheep is not just a parable.
You miss worship one Sunday morning and by 2 o'clock that afternoon you have had a dozen phone calls inquiring about your health.
People wonder when Jesus fed the 5,000 whether the two fish were bass or catfish.
It's not heaven, but you can see heaven from there.
The final words of the benediction are, "Y'all come on back now, ya hear!"